Saturday I got up late, and teenagers were around most all day. Amanda and her group, and Roger and his group, of whom, Roger's brother is the crossover. We were taking Amanda home in after dinner when Boston grabbed the left-over chicken, pan and all, from the stove, and knocked it to the floor. The chicken disappeared like the "Botulism-in-a-Can" brand chicken legs from that Twilight Zone episode with Elizabeth Montgomery and Charles Bronson. The "botulism-in-a-can" to which Gayle referred in her post.

Sunday there were teenagers, too. We mostly had Amanda around, but she's noisy and full of attitude that would seem big shared between two people. And we took her home after dinner again. I figured the kids would hang somewhere else after the weekend was over. Maybe they're staying away from their parents on weekends for a reason. I just know they're not getting in to trouble when they're over here, so long as their parents agree. I always have one track available for listening in to and tuning in to when needed their conversations, and I monitor their MySpace use, too.

Yesterday was fairly quiet, and I had a lovely New Year's Eve watching old Twilight Zone episodes with Gayle and making sarcastic, and funny, I hope, comments. I enjoyed myself, anyway. And this morning I woke to a new year, and to a lovely seduction before my shower. I've been watching the Monk marathon most of the day. And I was pleased that I got to sit on my duff (and put my sprained ankle up) and have dinner cooked for me once again by my lovely girlfriend. I think she overestimated the amount meant by "some" when she put some bacon grease in a pan before cooking the eggs, and the eggs came out kind of disgusting. But in retrospect, "some" isn't the most specific instruction to give the novice cook.

I've been having a lovely vacation, save spraining my ankle something awful. But now it's time to get a little serious, and accomplish the work tasks I have to do before the start of the new quarter, and go to the dentist. Ick. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow at 9, for several hours, and then again one on Monday, for several hours. Right after the Monday one we're leaving to go meet my sister and my Uncle Dave's John (ex-now) in Cayucos, on the Central Coast. With the dogs. Gayle is incredibly accommodating, and sweet to put up with me.

mood: content music: Monk

I think it might be fun to do this survey, too. Thanks, Gayle.

1. What is your current occupation? Teaching special education math at a middle school.

2. What do you wish you were doing for an occupation? I'm following my calling, and am happy with my career. Eventually, though, I might pursue a PhD and teach at the college level, or work as a program specialist in special education. My only other possible wish would be to become a lawyer and specialize in education law.

3. What is you first memory of the Internet? I remember getting on the internet when I got it at school, but I don't remember anything specific about it. I didn't get internet for myself until around 1998, or 1999.

4. What is your first memory of television? I have a vague early memory from when I was three, of my family watching the moon landing on tv, and my mom crying because she felt vindicated from when she was in grade school, and the nuns would hit her when she'd read science fiction, and told them she thought one day people would walk on the moon. The moon landing was on her birthday (which, incidentally is also Gayle's birthday, 'though she wasn't born yet) a few weeks after my third birthday. I remember thinking, "why is mommy crying? Why is this such a big deal. Of course there's space ships so people can go to the moon." I don't know where I got my "of course there's space ships" idea from.

5. How did you learn about sex?
I don't remember ever not knowing about sex. Some of it is because my parents, especially my mom, felt strongly about giving kids sex education as soon as they ask. Unfortunately, some of my learning about sex came at the hands of my father, who, although he didn't have intercourse with me, did a lot of sexually inappropriate things with me, starting when I was about four.

6. What is the best food you've ever eaten?
Steak and roasted potatoes at a restaurant in England, somewhere in Cornwall, I believe. I don't think it was during the time anyone had to worry about mad cow disease-- it was in 1988.

7. What is your favorite plant?
Besides a plant with medicinal value that I shouldn't admit to, I like flowers, particularly tulips.

8. What were you like in elementary school?
I was quiet, extremely short and small compared to the other kids, and was well-liked, even though I'd get teased about being a "brainiac." I was really into geology, and read geology textbooks from UC Riverside, which was nearby. I was confident about my academic abilities, and less so about my athletic abilities, but I started playing competitive sports in fourth grade (softball and then basketball.) I had a lot of friends who were boys, because I liked the games they played better than what a lot of the girls did. Most of my guy-friends were as geeky as I am, and we'd play astronauts, and stuff like that. I liked taking classes at the local museum on geology, paleontology, and general natural history. I was anxious most of the time in elementary school, and worried a lot. I had insomnia even then. I liked school a whole lot.

9. Did your school use corporal punishment? There was a rumor at my elementary school that there was a paddle in the office, and kids whose parents had agreed to it, could get paddled if they were in trouble. I don't know anyone who was actually paddled, though, so it may have been legend. I never got in trouble for anything, and was certainly never sent to the office.

10. What is your favorite mode of transportation?
My pick-up truck.

11. What names do you like the sound of best?
I like the names Christopher, and Jameson, and Sarah, and Morgan, and my own names.

12. Tell me one of your kinks.
I like being a bottom. Enough said.

13. What is your favorite internal organ, based on aesthetic appearances?
I think the liver is an amazing organ, and has a very sensuous appearance.

14. What musical instrument do you enjoy the sound of most?
I like the piano.

15. Tell me one (or more) of your guilty pleasures.
Mystery novels, mind-altering substances, having a massage.

16. Is there any time period/place in history that you be interested in visiting?
I'd like to be in Europe, especially France and/or England between the wars if I were able to hang out with all the wonderful writers who were around them.

17. Semantics aside, what is the worst sounding word in any/all the languages that you speak?
I think "cunt" is a very ugly word.

18. Tell me what your ideal moment is in terms of weather, climate, location, e.g. A penthouse suite at a ski lodge in the Swiss Alps at Christmas while it snows.
A clear, warm day with blue skies and occasional clouds, on a large warm rock in the mountains, with the dogs around, and Gayle unclothed with me.

19. When you were little, was there a non-human thing you wanted to be? What was it?
No. I don't remember ever not wanting to be human, except that I wanted to be super-human, better than most.

20. How do you think you're going to die?
I hope old age. But I'll probably get cancer. I just hope it holds off until I'm very old.

21. Tell me something you find irrationally creepy/repulsive.
I think most things having to do with eyes are creepy. I can't stand when there's an up close picture of eyes on tv or in a movie. I also can't stand to have anything in my ears.

22. How long would you say your childhood lasted?
13 years.

23. Do you have a passionate interest? If so, what are they?
Gayle, my dogs, geology, space, exquisite writing, poetry, camping, pocket knives

24. What (if any) subcultures have/do you belong to?
The gay subculture, teachers are sort of a subculture, the geek subculture, the stoner subculture

25. What is the worst injury/illness you have suffered? Pick whichever was worse.
I had osteomyelitis of the jaw, followed by a weird illness that made me run a fever for three years, and be abnormally fatigued all the time, to the point where I couldn't really function.

26. What smells can you absolutely not stand?
I can't stand the smell of shit.

27. Which state on Earth has the best-sounding/looking name?
Russia in Cyrillic writing.

28. Name what you consider the best holiday/seasonal food.
my christmas cookies

29. For console RPG players: Please name your favorite RPG(s) on each console you have owned.
I don't even know what this is.

30. What piece of media (books, movies, television, games, radio, art, comics, etc.) have you consumed that had the most striking story? Was, by Geoff Ryman, and Virginia Woolf's Mrs. Dalloway (the book, not the movie.)

This is a fun survey.

mood: sore

New Year's Survey I

1) Was 2007 a good year for you?
It was mixed.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
Finding out that I was in love.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Getting the phone call from the vet saying that Taco's heart had stopped (after he'd been bitten by a rattlesnake) and did I want them to continue trying to revive him.

4) Where were you when 2007 began?
In my house.

5) Who were you with?
Taco

6) Where will you be when 2007 ends?
Most likely at home.

7) Who will you be with when 2007 ends?
Gayle. And the dogs.

8) Did you keep your New Year's resolution of 2007?
Yes. I pulled myself up and out of a nasty depression.

9) Do you have New Year's resolutions for 2008?
Not yet.

10) Did you fall in love in 2007?
Yep, sure did.

11) If yes, with who?
queerbychoice / gayle.

12) If yes, do they know?
Yes, she does.

14) Did you have fun in 2007?
Yes. Beginning in the late spring.

15) Did you break up with anyone in 2007?
No.

16) Did you make any new friends in 2007?
Yes, two at work, and two in my personal life.

17) Who are your favorite new friends?
Gayle, Melissa, and Jessica.

18) What was your favorite month of 2007?
August or September, probably. Wonderful falling in love, camping, and a great start to the school year.

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2007?
No.

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2007?
Stayed in California.

21) Did you lose anyone close to you in 2007?
One of my students died. And my dog, Charlie died.

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
I miss people, and the dogs I've lost, all the time.

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2007?
Prairie Home Companion

24) What was your favorite song from 2007?
Three Days Grace; Pain. Came out earlier, I think, but I didn't hear it until 2007.

25) What was your favorite record from 2007?
not sure

26) How many concerts did you see in 2007?
Three.

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2007?
Probably the Three Days Grace concert in Clearlake.

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2007?
Yes.

29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2007?
Yes, but most of them were prescription.

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2007?
One.

31) Did you lose anything important this year?
Yes, my dog, Charlie.

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2007?
"I'll pay you back."

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2007?
No.

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2007?
Yes.

36) How much money did you spend in 2007?
Way too much.

37) What was your proudest moment of 2007?
Could be something in bed. Or, for entirely different reasons, of course, something in my classroom.

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007?
Bumping teeth.

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2007 and change something, what would it be?
Leaving the sliding door open so that Charlie and Taco got out, and Charlie got hit, and eventually killed.

40) What are your plans for 2008?
Spending time with my girlfriend, and working a lot.

location: the couch mood: awake music: none

It's incredibly difficult to allow myself to be cared for when I'm vulnerable and ill. If I begin feeling a little better, I feel like a charlatan, or even a dominating partner in accepting care, in allowing things to be brought to me, done for me. I'm not doing my share! And I keep being told that this is acceptable because I'm sick, but it feels like I'm getting away with something, and I'm not suffering enough. This has not been my experience with being sick before. And I was sick for three and a half years running not so long ago, so that's saying something. And because of that long illness, I know that I'm scared that this current one is somehow a recurrence of the long one, that it's come back, that I'll not be better and back to work tomorrow, that the fevers won't stop, the ridiculous, overpowering fatigue will continue and that my mouth will hurt forever. And that the nausea won't ever go away. And I know that's unlikely, but I feel so much now like I did then. And it's weird that I'm not being made in any kind of subtle way to feel guilty about it, or made to feel like I should be repaying Gayle for all she does for me, all the ways she's been taking care of me, even the leaving me alone part. Just having her around makes me feel so much safer in all this, it's incredible. I can look at her, or lean on her, and slow down all my awful "what if?" thoughts. She's so solid, so credible, logical, I don't even have to say things out loud; I know what she'd say. And she's been so lovely, and tender, and caring, and fun to be around. She's not mad at me at all for being sick! It amazes me! She's just wonderful.

I had a lovely weekend. I had a terrible weekend. I stepped in between, and through, and back and forth into several universal choices. I feel as if I should have more control over the singular slices of possibility in which I exist, but I don't seem to have mastered that. I'm not so good with controlling everything I think I should be able to control.

Gayle gave me some lovely third lunar revolution gifts, including a poem that made me blush. I spent the weekend in a rather terrible, agitated mood, set off by the circumstances I described in my last post. I didn't seem to be able to shake it off. It was relieved somewhat by the kids who dropped by; it's difficult to be sulky with teenagers around. I had two, then three, then for a moment, four, then back to three, and after we thought we were done with them, two (only one of the original two, and the third) came back for more. I like that I can provide a safe place for these oft-troubled kids to be, and their parents seem to be glad they're with me rather than roaming the streets. At least with me they're not smoking, or drinking, or drugging, or fighting, or doing who knows what, and I keep them from going off into excesses. And I listen with one ear to everything they say, so I stay informed about what's going on in the local teen community. Helps me with my work, and lets me know when to worry, or to step in. I feel badly about how irritating their exuberance, and their awful music (there's some I like, but not what they were playing yesterday) is to Gayle. But over long practice, I've learned to tune out the music, listen to the kids, and simply have a warm, maternal feeling that they're here and safe and happy.

I have to be at work now, writing math tests (inservice day, no kids). Promises to be thrilling. Should be fun in some ways; I like the other math teachers. We have a good time together. And it will be a shorter work day than a school day. But I certainly am procrastinating walking out the door.

Gayle is the most amazing woman. She stayed the night last night, breaking her regular routine of leaving on the Sunday night, because today is the day of our third lunar revolution, and she gave me the additional gift of allowing me to see her and kiss her on the actual day, braving the busy traffic to head back to her place before work. She is also amazingly sweet, and romantic, and level-headed, and everything I could want in a woman. I am so fortunate that she agreed to meet me in a bookstore and go to the state fair with me three months ago.

mood: mellow

I hate having to be professional and nice with parents who I know are evil to their kid. They put on a show of being decent, caring people in front of others, but I know they terrorize her. The stepmom is a crazy borderline personality disordered bitch who pussy-whips the dad, whose balls only drop, I'd guess, when he gets his girls alone, because that's the only way he can feel powerful. I'm sure he's molested that child, in the past, if not currently. I can feel that energy coming off him, worse when they're in the room together. But evil as that is, it's the step-mom who sends off the most evil energy. And there's jack-shit we can do about it. We've had to take their kid to crisis twice now for suicidal ideation, she's already cutting at 12, she's got an eating disorder, and she has all kinds of other weird behaviors. And she's such an emotionally needy kid. She asked me the other day, as id she just needed to hear it again, get confirmation, "Do you really care about all of your kids?" And then proceeded to name some, and I said, yes, yes, and yes, and Yes, I care what happens to you, too. I have love for all of you. I have a difficult time getting her to leave my classroom sometimes. She's such a scared, anxious kid. And we have to go through the motions with her family, because there's nothing provable. It makes me sick. But I was professional, appropriate, friendly-seeming, and even funny.

mood: aggravated

Gayle very much wants me to quit being so damned Old, and try this ridiculous blogging thing. And she thinks I'll learn all kinds of stuff about her if I do this sort of thing. Of course, since no one has me added as someone to look at, or look for, or whatever it is that you people do, this won't actually be read, I'm guessing.

I realize that I've had only three months to practice, but I think I'm doing all right with the care and feeding of my very own Gayle thus far. She's eating real food, not just pasta-roni, and she seems pretty darned happy. I know that I'm happier than I've ever been, and glad (and amazed) that she was available when I finally determined that I was deserving of someone as good as she is. Sure she's a big geek with questionable social skills, but then I'm a big geek with questionable self-care skills. We complement each other's strengths and prop up each other's lesser abilities. I'm madly in love, and happy. And I'm not having to overlook anything about her in order to stay happy with her. Nor she, me. So I think we're good. And I'm glad if all her LJ friends are happy for her; she deserves no less.

If anyone does manage to read this, and wants to tell me anything specific about Gayle, feel free. But I don't really get how this whole thing works, so I may not be reaching anyone with this at all.

mood: amused

These are the top 106 books most often marked as "unread" by LibraryThing's users. Bold what you have read, italicize what you started but couldn't finish, strike through what you couldn't stand, and underline the ones you own but haven't read. The numbers after each one are the number of LibraryThing users who used the tag of that book.

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell (149)
Anna Karenina (132)
Crime and Punishment (121)
Catch-22 (117)
One Hundred Years of Solitude (115)
Wuthering Heights (110)
The Silmarillion (104)
Life of Pi: a Novel (94)
The Name of the Rose (91)
Don Quixote (91)
Moby Dick (86)
Ulysses (84)
Madame Bovary (83)
The Odyssey (83)
Pride and Prejudice (83)
Jane Eyre (80)
A Tale of Two Cities (80)
The Brothers Karamazov (80)
Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies (79)
War and Peace (78)
Vanity Fair (74)
The Time Traveler's Wife (73)
The Iliad (73)
Emma (73)
The Blind Assassin (73)
The Kite Runner (71)
Mrs. Dalloway (70)
Great Expectations (70)
American Gods (68)
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius (67)
Atlas Shrugged (67)
Reading Lolita in Tehran: A Memoir in Books (66)
Memoirs of a Geisha (66)
Middlesex (66)
Quicksilver (66)
Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West (65)
The Canterbury Tales (64)
The Historian: A Novel (63)
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man (63)
Love in the Time of Cholera (62)
Brave New World (61)
The Fountainhead (61)
Foucault's Pendulum (61)
Middlemarch (61)
Frankenstein (59)
The Count of Monte Cristo (59)
Dracula (59)
A Clockwork Orange (59)
Anansi Boys (58)
The Once and Future King (57)
The Grapes of Wrath (57)
The Poisonwood Bible: A Novel (57)
1984 (57)
Angels & Demons (56)
The Inferno (56)
The Satanic Verses (55)
Sense and Sensibility (55)
The Picture of Dorian Gray (55)
Mansfield Park (55)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (54)
To the Lighthouse (54)
Tess of the D'Urbervilles (54)
Oliver Twist (54)
Gulliver's Travels (53)
Les Misérables (53)
The Corrections (53)
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay (52)
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time (52)
Dune (51)
The Prince (51)
The Sound and the Fury (51)
Angela's Ashes: A Memoir (51)
The God of Small Things (51)
A People's History of the United States: 1492 - Present (51)
Cryptonomicon (50)
Neverwhere (50)
A Confederacy of Dunces (50)
A Short History of Nearly Everything (50)
Dubliners (50)
The Unbearable Lightness of Being (49)
Beloved (49)
Slaughterhouse-Five (49)
The Scarlet Letter (48)
Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation (48)
The Mists of Avalon (47)
Oryx and Crake: A Novel (47)
Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed (47)
Cloud Atlas (47)
The Confusion (46)
Lolita (46)
Persuasion (46)
Northanger Abbey (46)
The Catcher in the Rye (46)
On the Road (46)
The Hunchback of Notre Dame (45)
Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything (45)
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry into Values (45)
The Aeneid (45)
Watership Down (44)
Gravity's Rainbow (44)
The Hobbit (44)
In Cold Blood: A True Account of a Multiple Murder and Its Consequences (44)
White Teeth (44)
Treasure Island (44)
David Copperfield (44)
The Three Musketeers (44)